some thoughts ..

I wrote this post a month back during my last week in the US of A. Publishing it here because I just wanted to maintain a record of my thoughts during that time 🙂
As I am on the brink of moving back to India after almost a decade, as I sit in my favorite rocking chair, waiting for the movers to arrive to pick up our boxes for shipping, I look outside and see the leaves falling. Its fall. After a fabulous summer, today is the first day it actually feels like fall. Which also happens to be my favorite season. My mind wanders away from the code I am supposed to be writing, before I wrap up work related stuff. And I feel tears in my eyes. I am not a person who cries easily, but in the past few days, this
has happened multiple times. By myself, in front of husband, in front of my dear dear friends and in front of our puzzled 2 year old, wondering why mommy is crying for no apparent reason.

It is an understatement that I will miss the US. The fact that I absolutely loved staying here, is making the (well thought of, apparently) move very difficult. I think there is one thing I am going to miss the most (among so many other things/people):
US gave me a free, clutter-free environment to grow. I am going to miss that. Growing up in India was very “busy”. Very overwhelming. Especially the years leading up to my moving from India to US for my higher studies were super chaotic and personally very difficult. Always something happening, innumerable people to talk to, listen to, things to do, small everyday things causing problems, sucking up all your energy and time and at the end of the day I remember having no bandwidth to think about anything. But to just crash in bed. I remember during those years, the need to escape, the need for a change in environment.

I think the ease of doing everyday things in US cleared up so much of my time, decluttered so much of my mind, that after many years I actually started thinking about life, introspecting about the type of person I was, the type of person I wanted to be, the type of relationships I wanted to build, the meaning of happiness. On a regular basis. Also, I was able to detach myself from the problems I was having in life at that time. The change in country definitely helped with that. And I think all this has made me a much calmer and “at peace with myself” person. I think detaching myself from the
chaos greatly helped me. And for this, I will be always greatful to my years in the US. The thing I am most worried about is getting sucked in the everyday mundane-ness and the “one thing after the other” kind of life. I hope
whatever I learnt in the past decade here, the way of living life, I can apply it in India. I wish I can keep myself calm, “at peace” amidst the chaos. I wish I can feel the quiet I am feeling now, in India as well.

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3 Responses to some thoughts ..

  1. Priya says:

    Well captured thoughts on your last week here.
    If you feel like writing, I’d like to invite you to contribute a guest blog on IHM’s site. I was thinking it might be interesting and relevant to read about your move to India – how you think the country has changed, or maybe you have changed and see things differently. What are some things that haven’t changed, what are some things that surprise you.
    Or any other topic you might want to write/share about.

    • Thanks Priya for the offer, but currently with my mom’s condition I cannot think (let alone write) anything sensible. I will take up this offer at a later time (if still open) when I am able.
      Hope you understand.

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